Time for a break from our usual election coverage.
Hoisted from comments, by NC’s craazyman
Worldwide News Service Exclusive
by Delerious T. Tremens, Reporter at Large
Santa Fe, NM (WNS)– July 30 — In this bleak desert landscape of coyote and cactus, where mesas scrape the low sky like brown table tops and the human eye can see through the luminous Milky Way to distant galaxies spinning like dizzying whirpools in the black night night sky without binoculars, a roomful of new age channelers is about to upend the U.S, presidential election race. Sittiing on a blue sofa smoking a cigarette and drinking a cold vodka tonic is Teacake Astral Star, a diminutive woman in a tie-die dress with Indian bead necklaces piled like ropes around her neck who claims she is in psychic with World War II hero and former U.S. president Dwight David Eisenhower, and that he’s pissed off.
“I was channelling the Pleideans” says Ms. Starr to a reporter, “and all the sudden he was there. He said he’s furious at what America has become and he wants to fix it. I knew it was him because he looked just like he did in the news reels.”
Asked how a dead person could possibly run for U.S president, Ms. Starr seemed surprised, “He’s not dead,” she retorted sharply, “He’s living with the Pleidians in the astral plane. He’s perfectly capable of being president. What do presidents do anyway that’s so hard, with all the help they have?”
The prospect of an Eisenhower candidacy make not be entirely unwelcome to a nation seemingly unenthused with the two major party’s candidates. But just how could General and ex-President Eisenhower campaign and, if he won, how could he govern? Ms. Starr has answers.
“There are eight or nine of us who are now in regular with Dwight,” she says, sweeping her arm at the group assembled around a table with a hooka pipe and water bong as the centerpiece. “He comes through every day, sometimes several times a day. We can speak for him at cabinet meetings, press conferences, wherever. He doesn’t have to physically be there.”
Dr. Rupert Wyer, a professor of electrical engineering at Cal Tech believes he can help the cause. “We can reengineer voice recordings of President Eisenhower from the 1950s, sampling and reordering sounds to make his speech seem quite natural,” says Professor Wyer. “We just need Teacake to let us know what he’s saying and we can program the sentences. You’ll know it’s him as soon as you hear it.” Mr. Wyer became a convert to the idea after initial skepticism. “It did seem ridiculous at first,” Mr. Wyer said to reporter, “but I became convinced when Teacake related things about Eisenhower’s military strategy in Germany that she could not have possibly have known. That’s when I knew it was him.”
Assuming Republican party officials can warm to this admittedly bizarre idea, there may be constitutional issues to overcome. Teacake Astral Star is a U.K. national born in London, England whose real name is Clarissa Jane Bentmentle. If Eisenhower does enter the race, constitutional scholars would have to rule whether Ms. Bentmentle or General Eisenhower, or perhaps Ms. Star’s entire Santa Fe channeling team, would be the actual president.
Professor Wyer has no patience with legalities or doubts. “It’s him, OK!” he said to a reporter. “We need leadership we don’t have. This is a man who defeated the Nazis, built the highway system, warned about the military industrial complex and was an avid fly fisherman. How can you do better than that?”
Mr. Wyer then pushed a button on his machine and Eisenhower’s voice boomed out from the tabletop next to the hooka pipe and bong. “Teacake is going to channel him tomorrow and we’ll have a press conference next week to say he’s entering the race,” he said. The only question is whether anybody will listen.